Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
