God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
