Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
