Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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