Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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