just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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