11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
