I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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