he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
