There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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