UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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