I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
