what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
