nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
