But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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