Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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