woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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