I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
