I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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