and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
vagina is talking i cant
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
