Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
