She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
