The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize
