And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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