I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize