apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I fill condoms, not promises.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
