My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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