My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
