since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
