so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
