Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
