And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just googled if crying burns calories
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
