is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
she peed on how many people?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
