i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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