Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
