just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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