life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
