I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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