I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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