I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize