It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Girls should come with a carfax report
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize