he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
