i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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