he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
