you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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