WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
