I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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