I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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