someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
