My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
