I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize
