We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
