Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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