Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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