my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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