Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
